14:09 Aug 07 2023
Times Read: 226
Places, even intangible ones, make impressions on me just as much as people do. I don't think I'm unique in that way. A few years back, when I stopped logging on here, I was in a bit of a bad way when it comes to mental health. Truth be told I don't think the reason for my headspace can be distilled down to one issue. It felt like a laundry list of issues queued up and weren't letting me go anywhere until I had dealt with them.
I deal with that shit alone, which by the way, is highly maladaptive. Don't be proud of isolation, it's fine to like your alone time but damn it's important to come out of those dark rooms and talk to people. But, at the time, I stepped (far) back from Vampire Rave as I do people in general. I really didn't want to share any part of myself while I was feeling the way I felt, it was just getting worse every day.
It probably would have taken me less time if I had started with my issue of communicating with others, but I think I was thrown off course by the fact that people can be very difficult to communicate with.
Communication, it should be easy enough. We're told that it's key. What I didn't understand until the last few years is that it's easy enough, but results will vary. All of my communication skills don't mean anything when the other person is bogged down by ego and too defensive to open up in return. All I can ever really hope for is clarity. Clarity of that person's experience, of their perspective, and their needs.
The really annoying term for all of that is "Radical Acceptance" but if a term had a face, I think Radical Acceptance would have a very punchable one.
Oh yeah, anger issues.
Turns out as angry as I have been, there's even MORE anger in there! Anger that has been locked away after years of conditioning to be afraid of it, to keep it secret and keep those I'm angry with from ever ever feeling the slightest bit bad about themselves.
Suffice it to say that everything is out in the open with my family and our dysfunction. Nothing is really fixed, but fixed implies that everyone is broken or in an unacceptable state and they're not. I truly think that it boils down to us having wildly different personalities and I mean wildly. It took me to my mid 30s to realize just how in opposition I am with my own mother, in attitude, perception of life, decision making, and the types of boundaries we have. Misunderstandings, especially chronic ones, can breed contempt and boy did they ever do that in this family.
Besides trying to get my shit together, I've been running my business which is still doing good. I'm glad that I stepped away for some crucial years of this business and really gave it my focus, I think that's really helped me be clear headed about what works and what doesn't. Now it feels like we (husband and I) have a better grasp on the ins and outs of doing this and still living our lives.
My husband has been gardening for years now and this past year we added even more raised beds, I'll be posting some pictures and journaling about that topic soon. We've also been embarking on lots of camping trips since last year when we bought a class C camper. We even took it to Wisconsin which was quite an adventure. Driving a Class C through Chicago construction? If our marriage can survive the stress of that, we're golden lol.
Pai and Bria are still doing great. Pai is 16 now and has slowed down considerably. He lost his eyesight but after a few months of adjusting, he's comfortable in a daily routine and gets his exercise by scent hunting for treats every night. Every night he walks and searches for treats from 8 -11 pm. Not bad for an old man. Running my own business and thus working from home has been such a blessing, especially so I can spend that much more time with the dogs.
I think that's about it for life updates. I've been typing this out and sipping coffee but now I want to get back to dry brushing some things.
Anyone have their own stories to share?
COMMENTS
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Nekirena
14:22 Aug 21 2023
I, too, have to remind myself as well that "no" is an acceptable answer. Sometimes the "hardwiring" of my youth comes forward and I feel horrendously horrible for saying no, but stepping back and looking at why no was needed, I find comfort in knowing I am allowed not to over stimulate or exhaust myself to please another when it isn't conductive to my own health and wellbeing. There are times when I forget my own boundaries are just as important as other people's boundaries, and being reminded of that, it seems to be a but easier to do. I am slowly coming to terms with the discomfort of it, but that discomfort outweighs the exhaustion and stress of always bending to other people's needs and wants.
With age is coming wisdom, and with that wisdom, some peace is being found. :)